BIKERIDE!

TONIGHT!

followup

to my previous post about the film, Definitely, Maybe, starring Ryan Reynolds and Abigail Breslin. I saw this movie twice on my trip out west, coming and going. Below, are my observations:

1) I like Ryan Reynolds (since the days of "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place"). The best parts of the whole flick have nothing to do with plot or emotions or ladies and little girls, just pure R and R. Man, remember that jiz donut from Van Wilder?

2) Abigail Breslin is big and old and shouldn't have been playing that little girl in such a little girl way.

3) I mean it. She's a woman, practically.

4) #1 tale too inappropriate to relay to your young (big) daughter: details of her (maybe) mother's collegiate lesbian escapades. Seriously, no shocked reaction like the one she had when she found out dad smoked cigarettes. I can only suspend my disbelief so much, filmmakers. And he shouldn't have brought her to April's apartment in the end either. Dad and daughter relationship seems unhealthily close.

5) I hate films that say their title lines in the dialogue, as in "April is taken aback by Will's words, and replies, "Definitely, Maybe." They go back to her apartment, where April has multiple copies of Jane Eyre."

So, in the golf tournament this weekend:

As you know Dad and Eddie sucked (dad says mostly Eddie sucked, and he would say that) But Paulie Cuv and his partner made it to the finals. On the last hole, Paulie had to make a 7 foot putt for 5 and partner had to make a 1 foot putt for 5.

Important info to note: For many years, the rule of play for this tourney was "Best Score," meaning they would take the best score of the two teammates. So, if someone shot something great and teammate was in the sand, it wouldn't matter. Just take the best. But this year, things changed. This year, they took the average.

So to bring you back, Paulie just completed an impressive, dare I say unlikely putt. Then, when it was his teammate's turn, confusing the new rules with the old, instead of just sinking his wicked easy shot to win the tournament, he picked up the ball! Everyone yelled "Nooooo!" and he yelled "Whatttt?!" but it was too late. Team "Dad's Friends" were disqualified.

Gunnin' for That #1 Spot

MCA made a documentary about the 24 best high-school basketball players in the country coming together in Harlem for the Elite 24 all-star game. If you don't want to see it, your probably a fascist.

Sorry for the lack of posts

We were here.

Alberto Mora - Tellin' it like it is

Tom's All Natural Deodorant

is no match for this summer in the city.
(Sorry fellows.)

In related news: organic conditioner is making my hair dry.

I love British Humor.

So apparently the University of Hertfordshire in the UK performed this study a couple of years ago to find the world’s most universally funny joke. The gist was to see what different cultures found humorous, if they were similar things, etc.

According to them, the World’s Funniest Joke. Not so funny, right? But, The Funniest joke in the U.K.:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

-------------------

And this in England, which gets funnier the more I think about it:

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

Thanks, America. Now go fuck yourself.

Did you know that "Canada, England, France, Germany, the Netherlands, South Africa, Australia and India all have laws or have signed international conventions banning hate speech? Israel and France forbid the sale of Nazi items like swastikas and flags? It is a crime to deny the Holocaust in Canada, Germany and France?"

Well it is. And in Canada, the most popular weekly news magazine, Maclean’s, is on trial for violating such a hate speech law against Muslims. What follows in this NYTimes article is a debate on our our spectacular right to slur.

Slobs that raised us

If I were an alien lifeform dropped onto earth, into a Hallmark Store, I would think man pitiable. And I mean Man (with a penis). Lazy, beer drinking farters, who like nothing but golf, tv, and fixing things. When I went to the card store this year for father's day, I was totally grossed out. The worst was a card with a beer on the front. Under the bottle it said "Beer." Then inside, just "Happy Father's Day."

Here's to you, my alcoholic caveman.

Also so many cards about farting. Are men really so proud of their flatulence that it has become their celebrated, defining characteristic? Maybe. I admit my dad does play golf, does like to park it on the couch, does enjoy a frosty brew. Am I just fighting the true nature of men?

Here's the thing: As a female (writer), I am insulted by chick-lit. Fuck "Shopaholic does the mall." I like shoes but no more than muscle cars. I am a woman who objects to my stereotype. So, when I see so many men embrace this "King of Queens" character as their hero, and when I read that boys performance in school is on a steep decline, I get upset. Sure it takes some energy to resist the category, but effing do it. Or are you just too lazy?

Impeachment papers

I had the good fortune to be watching CSPAN last night when they were airing Congressman Dennis Kucinich's resolution to impeach President Bush. It was the first time that I have ever heard, in quick succession, all of the instances that our president, our vice president, and all those who speak for them, made the case for war in Iraq by linking Iraq and 911.

Kucinich has all the articles on his site. Please take a look.

"An Affair To Remember"

All of my favorite sites are linking to this Slate article today, so I thought I would too. It's worth it. Tells of the relationship between an 82 year old woman and a 95 year old man, both with escalating dementia.

What liberties do you lose with your mind? And I don't mean the ones you'd expect.

Certainly the work of the Purple Pieman

"Beloved Characters

as Reimagined for the 21st Century"

One of three things is happening:

1. our government is keeping us in the dark about the serious threat of Mad Cow in America

2. our government is quietly sending all Mad Cow meat to South Korea without our knowledge

3. the South Koreans may be overreacting

Look at that protest!

The 100+ temperatures in NYC today make me think of water parks.

Complexities: I have an uncontrollable urge and intense desire to go to one. I am nostalgic, and harbor an admittedly untrue remembrance: I adored water parks and went on the biggest slides, when in fact I did love the parks, but spent most days swimming the lazy river or skidding my knees on the hellaciously sharp floor of the wave pool. Now I really want to go to one, but have acquired the tidings of age: germophobia and self consciousness about standing in line, wet and lumpy, in a bathing suit.

Still, I think I could overcome those things if someone wants to hit up the Humunga Kowabunga. Whachu Think?

Animal Index

Not only did I like the way these little dudebros look, I also liked the way the page translated through google. It was original in Japanese. The resulting descriptions are like bizarre computer generated poetry.

The emergence of animals in the office! ？
really boring documents also remembered me.
Drab cabinets of documents,
Animals, the soft space.

Big Blue Boo Hoo

Goodbye, you fabulous beast.

KMart is selling Abstinence Pants.

No joke. In this spirit, I’d like to repost an interview on “The Straight Talk Express,” from The Caucus.

While McCain was campaigning in Iowa, a reporter asked him his stance on the distribution of taxpayer-subsidized condoms in Africa to fight the transmission of H.I.V McCain didn’t know. Check back later. And so it goes...

Q: “What about grants for sex education in the United States? Should they include instructions about using contraceptives? Or should it be Bush’s policy, which is just abstinence?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “Ahhh. I think I support the president’s policy.”

Q: “So no contraception, no counseling on contraception. Just abstinence. Do you think contraceptives help stop the spread of HIV?”

Mr. McCain: (Long pause) “You’ve stumped me.”

Q: “I mean, I think you’d probably agree it probably does help stop it?”

Mr. McCain: (Laughs) “Are we on the Straight Talk express? I’m not informed enough on it. Let me find out. You know, I’m sure I’ve taken a position on it on the past. I have to find out what my position was. Brian, would you find out what my position is on contraception – I’m sure I’m opposed to government spending on it, I’m sure I support the president’s policies on it.”

Q: “But you would agree that condoms do stop the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. Would you say: ‘No, we’re not going to distribute them,’ knowing that?”

Mr. McCain: (Twelve-second pause) “Get me Coburn’s thing, ask Weaver to get me Coburn’s paper that he just gave me in the last couple of days. I’ve never gotten into these issues before.”

This went on for a few more moments until a reporter from the Chicago Tribune broke in and asked Mr. McCain about the weight of a pig that he saw at the Iowa State Fair last year.

John McCain supports abstinence-only education. Seems to be the (lack of) education he, himself, received.

Top 10 Scientists Killed or

Injured by Their Experiments

Tipped by Seed Magazine

White Lady Song

editor's note: This honestly happened to me this week, and I was mortified, but here's my attempt at relaying it in all its splendor.

***

On the 2 train this week, an older, messy looking black man stepped onto the crowded car with a guitar in his hands and a portable amp. "Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention," which, if you ride Mass Transit, is the official signal for "normal riders" to immediately pretend to read or look down, around, the floor, whatever they could do to absolutely not give him what he'd asked for. I was standing across from the man and our eyes met. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to play some songs, and this song, this song is dedicated to The White Lady. White Lady in the glasses," he smiled, pointing at me,

"White Lady, this one's for you."

When someone publicly, and loudly exposes you as "The White Lady," which is not entirely incorrect, but certainly not polite, and is about to sing "your song," with lyrics expressly for "you," "The White Lady," you're naturally nervous that he would expose your poor dance skills. But I am here to tell you readers, that my White Lady Song wasn't so bad. The black man sang about the world not wanting us together, also about my glasses, and that I was tall. The serenade ended with "Do you play, basketball, White Lady?"

And of course I don't (I'm white). All in all, the song wasn't so bad. Not nearly as bad as his song for "Miss Lee, the Chinese Lady at the end of the car."

"Miss Lee, Miss Lee, this one's for you." Her song was to the tune of "Kung Foo Fighting," and when he passed her with his open donation garbage bag, he told her, "I take fortune cookies." Which I guess she didn't have that day.

David Cross Can't Catch a Break Conspiracy

We at TMT are big fans of Cross, and like to keep you covered when it comes to him, his comedy, and his annoying overreaction and obsessive insecurity to bad reviews. Also just read two interviews in The Believer, one by someone who loves Cross, for Cross, and one by a hater.

But Who Cares. Everybody has fans and people that aren't into it. Why are you so stuck on this shit, DC? But maybe, just maybe, there's something to it...

From NYTimes Review of "Kung Fu Panda":

"Among those nudging and guiding Po is Master Oogway (Randall Duk Kim), an ancient turtle with a mellifluous voice and long, liquid neck who, um, invented kung fu and now serves as the spiritual adviser (Yoda) to an elite squad, including a kung fu master, the mustachioed red panda Shifu (Dustin Hoffman), and his students, the Furious Five: Tigress (Angelina Jolie), Viper (Lucy Liu), Monkey (Jackie Chan), Crane (David Cross) and Mantis (Seth Rogen)."

(Linkless).

Wow, Germany. You've got big avocado pits in your pants!

Apparently Germany's first novel to reach Amazon.com's global best-seller list, "Wetlands," by Charlotte Roche is a wild filthy-ass ride. From the NYTimes, "It is difficult to overstate the raunchiness of the novel." The book details the narrators most personal thoughts and experiences down there...

"'Wetlands' opens in a hospital room after an intimate shaving accident. It gives a detailed topography of Helen’s hemorrhoids, continues into the subject of anal intercourse and only gains momentum from there, eventually reaching avocado pits as objects of female sexual satisfaction and — here is where the debate kicks in — just possibly female empowerment."

The Times article goes on to discuss the issue of Germany's problematic gender equality. Though it does have a female chancellor and a pretty forward reputation, Germany has the third worst wage gap between genders--women earn 22 percent less. And there was last year's unfortunate episode of a German TV personality "suggesting that [women] should stay home to raise their children, and then referring approvingly to the Nazi policy of encouraging German women to have large families."

Ouch. There is hope though, in the form of Roche's new book and other female provocateurs like, wait for it...she-rapper, Lady Bitch Ray, who runs her own independent label, Vagina Style Records. Where there is a Lady Bitch Ray, there's a way.

McCain to Obama: Let's Town Hall it like the gentlemen of yore.

Hats off to G.I.John McCain for this invitation to Obamz. I like the idea of these Town Hall meetings. No spin room. Seriously indepth (Mc proposes "at least ten town halls once a week." Somebody doesn't have much of a social life). And I like them flying on the plane together, but I can also imagine a scenario in which Hillary shoots down their buddy jet to become Commander-in-Chief so watch out.


As much as this is appealing, TMT has heard buzzing that McCain's motivation isn't as wholesome as it seems (that he prefers short debate to his less than stellar speech style. This the exact opposite of his young opponent. Additionally, McCain doesn't want to have excessive press coverage, I think maybe because he doesn't want the visual comparison on every major network. Still, I am interested in substance and would rather the two getting down to details.


I'm interested to see Obama's response. It's your move young chap.

GAME ON.

remember the smell

...of formaldehyde? why can't i forget you, fetal pig?




Title: Formaldehyde Drinker in L'Assiette au Beurre, 1907
Artist: Henri Gustave Jossot
My thoughts: ew...love it.

Dear Hot Fuzz,

You are such a funny movie thank you for coming to my graduation party and for your jokes. I hope to see you many more times. And that when I watch you again, I will find more funny things. That's what's great about friends and movies and soda. See you over the summer come swim in my pool.

From,
Big Green

PS. I like you more than Shaun of the Dead.

Hey Dentist...Go Fuck Yourself.

Sorry for the profanity readers, but she deserved it.

I just spent the last 45 minutes sitting in a chair with a bib on, waiting for my dentist to fill my cavities, something I was obviously not looking forward to, and look, the lady in white coat never showed.

That isn't to say she wasn't there. I heard her through the barely there, super trendy, dentist's loft walls laughing, dare I say flirting, with another patient. I heard them talking about "texting" for MY 45 minutes. What's worse, the office is so "modern" and "hip" that they have flat-screen TVs fixed above every dentist chair. I was forced to witness the minutes ticking by below ABC 6 News at Noon (by the way, some kid built a bomb in his NJ backyard). Anyway, I finally stood up, took off the bib so I would be taken at least a little bit seriously, and shouted, "Hey Dentist...Go Fuck Yourself."

Actually I just rescheduled for Thursday. Why do doctors and dentists do this to us? All together now: "Because they can."

Well...I may not have stood my ground today, but you can be sure that I am going to chew some chunky dog shit before my next appointment for her to pick out. Pick that shit out. Pick it out.

Word

I get words stuck in my head and find it really hard not to interject them in every sentence. Today, like many other days, that word is

Pantsuit.

Previous words have been "chicken" and oddly, "Mike Kuzmuk," AP's friend from High school whom I have never met.

Pergola

A pop art peice istalled at Le Havre City Hall in France. Check out more here.

Well, Australia's out.

Good for them.

Juice

"Steroids are legal in 28 of the 38 U.S. states where horse racing is held, including the 3 states holding Triple Crown races, and their use is prevalent. Before banning the drugs in Pennsylvania, racing officials there tested 998 horses and found that 61.7 percent were positive for steroids and 17.3 percent had been treated with two steroids or more."

It's obvious to see that we at TMT are for animal rights (those pesky prevalent vegetarian and vegan shoe posts), so you can bet we aren't the biggest fans of animal racing in general. But it's not always so simple.

I rode horses growing up, and I have this nagging feeling that if one is treated well, a horse prefers to be fast, of service, and praised with a happy rider on his back. And who doesn't like the whole weird bonnet spectacle? It's just traditional, old-timey fun.

In my more honest moments, I know that is bullshit. No matter how much a horse might like to run fast, he would prefer, I assume, to do it at his own will and not because he's being whipped or heeled in the belly. Ask the lone Philly, Eight Belles, who was euthanized within minutes of finishing this year's Kentucky Derby whether her few seconds of fame were worth it.

Saying that, I am not naive enough to think that Americans will give up horse racing. It is a romantic tradition, and people love hats. But maybe they will reform starting with the fucking roids.

From the International Herald Tribune:
"Among the nine trainers who are planning to run horses in the Belmont, only Rick Dutrow, the trainer of Big Brown, and Barclay Tagg, who trains Tale of Ekati, said their horses would race on steroids. Dallas Stewart, the trainer of Macho Again, said he had yet to decide whether his horse would receive them. The trainers Todd Pletcher and Nick Zito would not comment on whether their horses would."

Big Brown, the horse likely to win the first triple crown in decades, is juiced. Besides the whole leg up that performance enhancers give, making the competition unfair, it blows my mind that people don't have a problem with injecting these prized animals with something that will potentially harm them. I mean why are we pretending they are harmless-- we've seen the deflated, post-steroid Mark McGwire-we know that shit can prune you up.

At the very least, make the practice illegal and let the chips fall where they may. What you think Mark McGwire? Oh that's right. Raisins can't talk. They can only sing.